Five Things

1..2..3..4…5

Five tiny fingers; the first ones you learned to count.  

Five—the age I was on my first day of school when we got into a small fender-bender on the way and my mom thought I would never want to go to school again

Five—the number of cups of coffee she drank each day

Five—the number of years you’ve been gone.

I don’t want to count past five.

 One handful of years is enough. 

Time is a real kicker. 

One day you’re smiling ear to ear, living in a carefree state of mind and the next day you’re ugly crying tears into your skillet over the stove while cooking dinner because all you want is to cook dinner with your mom, just like old times.

That’s just the way it works. It’s neither healing nor harmful.

 It just happens anyway. 

In the past five years, there have been countless times I needed to call her-- my sounding board and voice of reason. There’s some advice only a mother can give and my mom was always full of it. 

I try to squeeze my eyes shut, to think of what she would say.

It was always raw and unbiased. She only spoke the truth, even if it stung a little.  

She’s missed a lot but I know she’s seen it all, heard ever plea, and connected with me in her own unique way, as she usually did. If she were here, she would have plenty to say, I’m sure of it. 

These are the five pieces of advice I think she would give. The simple things that make big differences. 

These are the five things we should all be doing, according to my mom: 

1.   Stop being so selfish.

Every moment there is an opportunity to show kindness. Whether it’s holding the door for someone or asking the grocery cashier how her day was going and actually caring enough to know the answer. There is always an opportunity to think of others and make someone’s day a little brighter. I try to see the world through my mother’s eyes, how she found these opportunities every day, and I so often fall short. Slow down, take the time, and stop thinking so much about yourself. 

2.   Quit the nagging. 

Men don’t hear it anyway. It’s a gift. They will not see what needs to be cleaned and they will not notice when you clean it. Do not blame them for it. Effectively communicate with others and show your appreciation in all of the small things they do. People are not mind readers. Take care of the one you’re with and they will take care of you right back ( & if they don’t…dump them. She would tell you to do that, too…trust me) 

3.   Pick yourself up.

When you lose your first job, when you don’t feel great, or when you’re just having a rough go at it. Have your pity party, count your lucky stars, and keep on moving. Everyday will not be amazing, but there is something amazing about everyday and if you’re reading this, then that’s one of them. Life is entirely too short to waste days on momentary troubles. 

4.   Take the chance.

So what, you’re scared…uncomfortable? That’s when the good things happen. Don’t get too complacent in your job, home, city, or relationship status. When opportunities arise, jump on them. You never know what may come out of them but if you don’t take them, you know exactly what your life will be. As my mother frequently said,  “there are so few times in life that you will be completely and truly surprised”, and its so true. Live for those moments that scare you to death, yet make you feel so alive. 

5.    Don’t be a “Negative Nancy”.

Positive thinking, positive words, positive life. My mom was a firm believer in putting out all of the good energy into the universe; in full belief that it would acknowledge that light and give it right back. There were times she would have me mantra out loud with her, speaking the things I wanted for my life, all for the betterment of myself. Even if it doesn’t give it back to you in the exact way you had hoped, spreading all of that positivity can only help mold your thinking and allow you to see the greater good shine through the cracks of all of the negativity that can come with life. Look for the bright side, even when it’s dim.  

Five years ago was my worst day.

It was the worst day for anyone that knew and loved her and if you were one of those lucky people, I am grieving with you today, too.

The tears may flow & I am okay with that. The pain in the absence of those that have left us is the only real sign of the impact they made while they were here. 

And if you weren’t one of those lucky many, I can only hope you will read this, take her advice, and strive to live your life in that way that fulfills your soul  while pouring so much light and love into others.  

“Live your life with joy. I know you will.

                                               Love you forever! Mom"  

"Let's Do This"

Over three years of hype all boiled down to this one moment, and trust me, I truly cannot wait to share the story. It was nothing short of an absolute jaw-dropping, outer body, magical experience

How it all started:

    Brett and I have been dating for over three years. We met at a bar in college on a Wednesday night in January. It was not a serendipitous, romantic moment. We were having drink specials, though Brett may have had one too many by that point. He laid it on thick and asked for my number at the end of the night. I called my mom the next day and said something along the lines of, “I met a boy last night at the bar and he asked me on a date but I think I’m going to say no because he is just another college boy”, and that just was not what I was looking for.

It wasn’t that easy. Brett pursued and reached out to me like I never thought he would, and he did in fact get that first date. I was terrified of how badly it might go, so I suggested we eat lunch on campus using the extra money on my dining card- also not the most romantic moment. On our first date, I explained to Brett that my mom was very sick with breast cancer.

I was giving him the option, and half expecting him to finish lunch and never  talk to me again. What twenty some thing year old in the prime of their life would want to deal with a girl whose mother is dying of a terminal disease? I sure didn’t want to deal with it, but it was moving towards me like a derailed train, and there was just no stopping the hell that would soon be my life. 

 I did hear from him again and we were together almost every single day after that date. He was far from perfect. He rarely washed his clothes, stayed up way too late, lived off of pizza and Bud Light, and he cussed like a sailor. He was far from what I thought I wanted but everything that I exactly needed. We didn’t have an easy go at it, but that “college boy” stood at the front of my mother’s funeral only two months into our relationship and hasn’t looked back since. 

He has shown me how to stop planning and start living. He’s calm and collected, completely level headed, and finds the beauty in every person and experience he encounters. He has a huge soft spot for animals and he still cries watching “Extreme Home Makeover”. Plus, he ties my shoes and pumps my gas on a weekly basis. 

Though he doesn’t sing me songs of romance or send me flowers on the reg, he loves me in a way that not be explained. What we have is beautiful and rare and I hope and pray everyone will experience what I have in him. 

But yes, it happened. The moment myself and everyone else has been waiting for. All the hype and waiting was totally and 100% worth it and if you take away anything from this unnecessarily long blog post, please remember these words: “Enjoy every phase of your life.” The words my grandmother would tell my mother and my mother would tell me. We spend so much of our time looking ahead and wishing our lives away that we forget to be present in what’s happening right in front of our own face. Though at times I wanted this just as much as every person that has asked us nine million times when it would happen, I knew my time would come

And oh man, did it come.

December 7th, 2017

     Brett and I had a winter trip to Banff, Alberta, Canada planned with his mother as a way to “get in the Christmas spirit” by surrounding ourselves in frigid temperatures and several feet of snow. Brett and I travel as much as possible, this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but we were especially hyped for Canada because it has been high on our bucket list. 
      Leading up to the day we left, Brett never gave anything way. He even went as far as having the jewelry store that we looked at call me to ask me if we were still interested in purchasing a ring with them. I was clueless. The night before, his favorite pair of boots broke and earlier that week his hairdresser cut his hair too short. I wondered why these small happenings were such a huge problem to him, but I soon found out. 
    We left on December 7th at the crack of dawn from Chattanooga. I took a test for one of my classes until midnight the night before and we were up getting ready at 3am to head to the airport. After one flight to Chicago and another to Calgary, I noticed Brett wasn’t being his normal “get up & go” self. He was moving at a snail’s pace, suggesting we go to a grocery store and sit down for lunch. On every trip I’ve ever been on with him, he has NEVER been one to waste a second of daylight and I was starting to become agitated as to why he decided to on this one. He stalled for as long as he could, stopping at gas stations and driving under the speed limit. His mom, in the back seat, was quiet as a mouse the entire way, in fear she would give something away. As we approached the snow capped mountain ranges heading towards to Banff, Brett pulled off into what looked to be a portion of the national park, with lakes and peaks that reached towards the stars. This also wasn’t out of the ordinary, as he usually looks up places he wants to see before a trip. In a portion of Banff National Forest, we drove down a secluded road lined with snow dusted pines and endless views. The first spot we came to, Two Jack Lake, had a lone ice skater on the newly frozen water. The mountains peaking behind the lake made for a picturesque moment, and I insisted on capturing it. Brett suggested I hurry and not waste my photos, because there was a better, more beautiful lake just up ahead. We parked in a desolate parking lot that was mostly covered in ice. Lake Minnewanka, a huge lake plastered against the snow capped mountains that embraced it from nearly every side. I immediately asked to take some pictures, Brett complied and then walked ahead of me while I absorbed the view. I FaceTimed my younger sister, Madison so she could join me in the jaw-dropping scenery. We laughed and talked and carried on, I took my sweet time. Eventually, I walked over to Brett who was out on some rocks that jutted into the lake. I asked him to stand there and let me take his picture. I was snapping away when I noticed his eyes were constantly darting to things behind me. It freaked me out so I turned around and asked him what he was looking at. He never really answered, but posed for the photos (which turned out really amazing) and started to walk behind me. I was about to ask him to take mine when I turned around and saw that Brett was on one knee with a small box in his hand and he says, “Let’s do this” with a half smile, half smirk. My brain could not catch up to what was happening in my life at that moment. Was he just going to tie his shoe? Was this some kind of sick joke? And holy cow, that ring!! I instantly fell to my knees. It felt like I took a baseball to the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of my lungs....but I liked it. I remember asking him over and over if he was serious, hysterically crying and laughing at the same time, and after what seemed like five minutes his sweet, soft eyes saying “will you marry me? Are you going to leave me hanging?". I instantly wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him as tight as I could, sobbing into his shoulder. I couldn’t believe this was my moment. My time had finally come. Over 3 years of dating and two years of living together, and here we were. I was never one of those people who thought that they had to be married in order to be secure in the relationship. I knew we were good, that we would be together for as long as we could be. Sometimes society got to me..all of the questioning and judgement of the life we lived. But at the end of the day, I knew what we had was beautiful and rare and a ring or a title wouldn’t really matter. But here it was, in front of my face and now on my finger. I didn’t have to have it, but man it sure feels good. The symbol of promise and our future forever. In the blissful haze of our newly upgraded relationship, I noticed a photographer had a camera in front of our faces snapping hundreds of photos. I gave her a puzzled look, but soon realized Brett had set the whole thing up. He had been communicating with Dana, the greatest photographer of all time, all the way in Calgary for months about how this moment would go down. He found her on Instagram and I seriously don’t think he could have picked anyone better. She was hysterical and sarcastic and fit right in with our bunch. Just as I was absorbing the engagement, Dana positioned us and told us to kiss, and that’s when I heard it. The voice that I know and could recognize a mile away. Little did I know I would be recognizing that voice 1,862 miles away in Banff, Alberta, Canada. “You didn’t think I would miss out on this trip, did you?” I froze. I could not believe what my ears were hearing. Out of the woods comes Michele Hughes, in all her glory. I literally turned from her and walked the opposite way, not believing she had traveled all the way there. She kept trying to hug me and the same feeling like before, all the air being abruptly sucked from my lungs, crept back full force. Brett had flown Michele, one of my best friends, out to witness the whole thing. It was a dream. I could not believe this was my life. I had the most outer body feeling, as if I was looking down on myself watching it all happen. Brett Baker, the guy who doesn’t even plan what he’s going to wear each day, planned the most extravagant, perfect proposal that I could have never dreamed up. I felt and still feel like the luckiest girl in the world. It’s a high I hope I never come down from. And as for my mom, I have no doubt she was there. The sun set amongst the snow capped mountains and reflected onto the lake the most surreal bright pink to purple explosion that most certainly had to be the joy bursting from my mother’s heart. It was no ordinary sunset. As I looked out onto the lake, I covered my cold hand over my mouth in a strange mixture of sadness and joy, knowing that she was fully present in that moment. 

     Dana, the photographer, toured us around the entire next day and photographed every moment. She had us getting out on the side of the road in -3 degree weather, breaking through frozen lakes, and standing up to our ankles in snow, but just wait until you see the engagement photos that are going to come from it! 

    The remainder of the trip was just as much a fairytale, spent with people that I love and cherish, making memories we will never forget. 

So, here we are. Back at home, in our normal routine. Nothing has changed, yet nothing will ever be the same. The awe inspiring trip that belonged to us has only brought us closer. I cannot wait to make this guy the extraordinary husband that I have no doubt he will be. 

And, for all those that are asking and will continue to ask: There is no date or plans for a wedding, because there will not be one. A wedding has never and will never be my dream. Everyone can enjoy another surprise when we post photos of an elopement we have on one of our adventures somewhere down the line. 

As for now, we will be present in this moment and enjoy the new phase of our lives. 

Thank you all so much for all of the support and kind words. We are so blessed to be known and loved by so many people! 

Fragile Creatures

Did you know that squirrels were intentionally placed into metropolitan cities' newly constructed parks and greenery back in the 1800s in order to "maintain people's health and sanity" by allowing them to feel more at one with nature?

Squirrels and humans living amongst each other, walking the same paths day by day
Developing a mutual respect and understanding for one another, until eventually the squirrel became a symbol of preparation, trust, and thriftiness to all man-kind
Squirrels are smart, cunning
Constantly twitching about, gathering and planning for the days ahead
Squirrels are also one the few mammals that will eat out of a human's hand, allowing us to connect with them on more personal level.

I was raised by a mother who had the strongest desire I've ever known to help all living things
People, plants, animals of every species
Squirrels, especially

My mother was the mother to various litters of squirrels throughout various times of the year
Frail, newborn squirrels dependent on their mother for nourishment and warmth, found themselves in the electrically warmed embrace of my mother's heating pad being hand fed from a tiny syringe.
These fragile creatures, survivors of a tragedy, now under her loving care

Differentiating between them by the colored markings she added to their backs, one by one my mom reached into their make-shift nest to wake and feed every 2 hours around the clock. She never complained or asked for help, instead she allowed her motherly instincts to kick in full force, raising these squirrels into strong, independent beings just as she did for us.
A borderline obsession; my mother educated herself, purchasing literature and supplies, perfecting her role as their mother
She gave these little rodents a second chance at life
Most of her babies had left the nest, so she filled it back up every chance she got

I think in a way the squirrels were healing to her
A great distraction from the cancer taking over her body
She devoted every ounce of her energy into keeping these squirrels alive
Though not for herself, she could control that for them

She was so delicate, so attentive to their every need

Her efforts were successful, she raised them all
From small, hairless rodents on the cold earth to husky, full grown squirrels

They didn't thank her for all she had done or send her cards for Mother's Day, but none of that mattered to her
She kept them alive and they kept her busy

I look at them now, as they frolic about my neighborhood, foraging for food to add to their hidden winter stash, with a greater appreciation

The infant squirrels, once alone and hopeless, left for dead on the pavement
Separated from their mothers and families
They still flourished and they still grew
They became stronger and adapted to the new way of life they now had the opportunity to live

As I go through the seasons of my life and experience new trials along the way, I can only imagine what she would say to me now
The encouragement she would give, the pushes to keep fighting for my dreams no matter how many doors were closed
"Speak what you want to the universe", she would say

I miss her from the depths of my gut, so much that it infuriates me at times
I swallow back tears at the thought of her embrace
Every ounce of my being aches to see her face just one last time, healthy and happy

I recall these things to keep her alive, to never forget her quirks and qualities

The sound of her voice grows more faint each year, the memories ever-so-slowly fade
I look at pictures of her, the same ones I have seen a thousand times, with no new ones to be made

I think of the squirrels and the strength she breathed into them
Even when she, herself had very little to give

She did that for me, too
and she is still doing it now
I just have to dig a little deeper to find it

Just as my mother did for the squirrels, she raised me up
Nourished my body and soul, and set me free into the world
I carry her lessons and encouragement around with me like an acorn, a treasure
Tucked away safely, firm and close to my heart

Like the squirrels, I, too, am a survivor of tragedy

But where there was her life, now there is mine and I'll live it strong to make her proud,
 just as she taught me to do



Missing and loving you always

Not So Merry Christmas

I can almost smell her breakfast casserole now
My body still sleeping, but my senses fully awake
The delightful scents coming from the kitchen are my alarm clock for today

She is already up, frolicking about our home, preparing for this glorious day ahead
Oh, Christmas. One of my mother's most favorite holidays

My mom was never one to plan ahead, but when it came to Christmas decorations, preparation started as soon as holiday items hit the shelves
She spent weeks transforming our home into a winter wonderland
Whimsical elves hanging from every nook and cranny, 4 foot tall Santa greeting you when you walked in the door, the Christmas Village consuming every ounce of space left on the kitchen bar

There was no such thing as "too extravagant" when it came to Christmas in her book

I loved how much time and effort she poured into every Christmas to always kept the spirit of the season alive
She continued to address our presents "From Santa", hide the pickle in the tree on the eve, and truly out-do herself with an abundance of food and surprises

In the years since her passing, I have boycotted my once favorite holiday
The wound of her absence growing more raw as the days before Christmas dwindle away

The thought of celebrating such a joyous holiday without her carries an overwhelming abundance of sadness and guilt

The last two years of Christmas, I have spent them surrounded by other's traditions, trying my best to fight the emerging waterfall of hysteria looming behind my eyes

My once "whole" family was broken and divided by the tragedy and grief
The holiday season ensued more pain than joy and the thought of doing it without the person who made it the most celebrated time of the year was almost more than we could bare

Three Christmases later, and this is the first year I have willingly uncovered some of the decorations she once used from their cardboard homes in the basement
I have placed them around our house in her honor
Though it sends a painful twinge to the root of my gut, like alcohol poured over my open wound, I know it would make her proud

The important parts of my family have mended themselves and this year, we will be celebrating together, just as I know my mom would have wanted

When my mother died, the joy I found in Christmas went right along with her.
Christmas has never and will never be the same without her and slowly, I am learning to accept that

There is joy in the love that surrounds me and I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much of it.
I am grateful for the traditions and memories created with my mother that I am able to carry with me always and share with my own family one day

Christmas was our favorite because it was hers, and though grief through the holidays is inevitable, we will find joy in the day knowing she isn't so far away

                                                                 . . . . . . . .

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

The Day That Wasn't Like Every Other

Eyelids closed, tear stained cheeks

Face burning with emotion, disbelief, and rage
My heart beating but my brain has shut down

I can't believe you're gone

Set free from the pain
Eternally healed from the invasive disease that destroyed you
I am both relieved and shocked
My mind not allowing myself to catch up with the reality that was unfolding before my eyes

June twentieth. Staring me down from the looming calendar tacked to the wall next to me
I remember three years ago just as it would have happened yesterday
You can't erase memories like that

June 20, 2013
On one of the rainiest summers I have in my memory, this day was the most beautiful of them all
Scorching heat with equal parts humidity, not a cloud in the sky
This day, it did not rain
Instead, the sun shined, flowers stretched their petals towards the beaming light
People, emerging from their Netflix binges, enjoyed a day outdoors

Our days started early and were filled with watching, waiting, and routine
Your Hospice nurse arrived right on time
She listened to your beating heart, vital signs showing no indication of the events that would unfold later that day
She gave you a good report. Considered you "stable",even,
and went on her way

Everyone that had been lingering for weeks, watching your every breath, standing over you like a hawk
On this particular day, all of those people left
With errands to be done, and people to be seen
A strange sense of stability was in the air.
We were told you wouldn't survive your first night spent in the hospital nearly 3 years prior, but here you were
Tough as nails, still holding on with all you had left
Why would today be any different than the rest?

A fresh college graduate with no "real" job, most of my days were spent with you
Tending to your every need alongside family members and friends
Your life was my life

With little time for anything else, I found my release in an afternoon's run
...sometimes two, depending on the day

Running from my anxiety, stress, and fears
I ran from the cancer taking over your body, taking over our lives
I ran from reality, as far as I could
Pumping my arms through the pain of the inevitable
A run cleansed my soul, renewing my strength for the day ahead
With sweat running down my face and legs shaking in exhaustion,
I could finally breathe

On this day, with the sun shining high, I yearned for a mid-day run
In the dead of the South's afternoon heat, I needed a few stifling moments to myself
Your condition became a roller coaster
Becoming more and more unpredictable in each passing day
Up and down, round and round
Thrusting us forward, then throwing us back
It sat heavy on our minds
We held our breath and released days later

My oldest sister was on watch for the day
We alternated shifts sitting in the recliner next to your make-shift hospital room in our home
Today was going to be like the one before
Unpredictable, oppressive
The only thing was, that day was not like any other
As I walked into your room to give you a quick kiss before my run,
Tennis shoes laced, hair pulled back tight
Everything quickly became far from any other day
The rise and fall of your pulsing chest was thrown off
A breath, followed a long pause, then another breath
Setting off an alarm in my brain, allowing reality to sink in for only a moment

It sent me whirling into a panic, pointing it out to my sister who had been sitting by her side
She jumped to her feet, seeing what I was seeing, she told me to call everyone back home
This was it

It was as though you had been planning it all this time
Waiting for the house to still, for the most beautiful day
Waiting for the perfect time to just let go

I wasn't ready, though I know you were

I get this question all the time and the answer is always no; her death amongst a lingering illness did not prepare me any more or less to an untimely or "unexpected" death
Because you are never ready to lose the ones you love, no matter how prevalent the end of their life may be
You are never prepared, never expecting
Never waiting for their time to be up
For the memories to stop, for their last breath to be breathed
No matter how young, how old, how sick, or how well
No amount of time or space could ever prepare you for that moment

And as I sit here three years later and reflect on the day that the earth stood still
The day the clocks stopped ticking,
The day that stopped us dead in our tracks, the day that changed our lives forever
I look back with only happy memories of you
I know we are both in a better place now

I am gracious to the earth for sending us a true angel. One that we were able to call "Mom"
One that undoubtedly made the world a better place
One that did not pay mind to race or religion,
Rich or poor, gay or straight
One that taught us everyone on this planet with a beating heart mattered
One that spread joy and kindness, despite the pain she may have felt
She left a mark on this world and all of the people that she came in contact with

Her time spent here was not enough, but no amount of time would have been
Like a firework, she radiated light and showered the earth with her outpouring spirit
Providing a brief moment of happiness and awe that ended all too soon

Three years without you and you are still never far from my mind
A prayer away; a tear when it becomes too much
Forever our mother, forever our angel

Today is not like every other, and tomorrow will not be either
Because the day you left changed ours forever
And though things will never be the same, I will always look forward to the day ahead
Believing and knowing you made it a little brighter, a whole lot better
Carrying you with me through each phase of my life
Carrying out the life you taught us to live

Today may be a day like every other for you, but for myself and for everyone who had the blessing of knowing her,
It will be a day we will never forget

Love you forever

Baby Steps

Have you ever experienced loss?

Maybe it was your first beloved goldfish

Or your last basketball game of the season

Maybe it was your grandmother, she was 95 after all

Loss is a part of living

We lose teeth, boyfriends

We lose games, homework, even our minds at times

Let’s be honest, no matter the loss, it downright sucks.

Most losses we never even see coming. You’re never ready to lose

At age 22, I was never ready to lose my mom. Not even close.

But then again, if I was 60 years old I would still be saying the same thing

Losing what you love hurts across the spectrum

Some impact your life more than others, but they hurt all the same, if even for a moment

How do you move forward after a loss?

Well the good news is, your teeth do grow back, so there’s that

And you will find a new boyfriend who you love more than the last

There will be plenty of games to win, so do not fret

Losing people is when it gets tricky;

Your life will be turned upside down, for a long time probably

Days will overflow and sometimes you may beg them to stop all together

You’ll lose your appetite while at the same time wanting to eat all the feelings you’ve acquired

You will fake laugh and eventually cry your eyes out to the brink of dehydration

But you WILL move forward

You will because those people you lost would want you to

And if that’s not a good enough reason, maybe it’s because you have a family that depends on you

Or just a dog, even

Maybe it’s your job

You have to move forward after loss because you just have to and that’s that

Losing hurts and it always will

But look down at your feet, and move them

Slowly at first

Eventually picking up the pace

Find something that pushes you into orbit again

You will be sad, yes,

But you are alive and life is meant to be lived while we have it

Through losses, through wins, life does begin again

Fight or Flight

It's crazy how the human senses work
One whiff of a perfume,
One taste of a treat,
The sound of a voice
Can send your brain sailing back to a precise moment in time
The images of your past, for a brief moment, flashing across your brain like a projector screen
It's like you could close your eyes and go back
Touch the person, relive that memory just one more time

The human body, made up of millions of cells and complex systems
All working together in perfect synchrony to keep your heart pumping, your brain functioning
The human body is constantly working in our favor, fighting to keep things in working order
A fever: your body's way of heating up to fight against infection
A shiver: an autonomic reaction created to help generate and preserve heat

Our bodies also protect us from grief and psychological pain
Though not caused by a burn or a sting, the same areas of the brain are activated to protect us from deep emotional pain
Traumatic memories are suppressed, extended periods of time are erased
Your body does what it has to do to get you through the toughest of times

I think back and attempt to recall the year after my mother's death, yet there are few memories I can retrieve
What did I do that year? Where did I go?
I was with people, I was going places that my brain will never admit
Disconnecting me from all of those around me, it stayed deep within the soul of the one I lost
My feet moved, my heart beat, but without me ever really knowing why

Our grief is real, it aches worse than any other physical pain ever experienced
But the sun still rises and the sun still falls
And our bodies are here to make sure we keep up with it

To say I haven't been happy since her passing would be a lie
Though at that time, I never thought I would be again
I've made great memories, smiled because I meant it
To be honest, some days I even forget it ever happened at all

But, today is a Tuesday, two and some odd years after the passing of my mother
and for no apparent memory or reason, my heart aches
Grief has crept in and resided deep within the core of my being
A flash of her smile, the pitch of her voice
It's like she just left this world a few days ago and my body is weighed down with her loss

I live in the constant yo-yo of grief
Riding its high's and rolling with the low's
I imagine this is how the rest of my life will be, and I am okay with that
The grief means she was there. That it did happen after all
That my pain in her death exists because she was so alive

A flash of blonde hair
The tune of a song
I'll keep her in my memories for as long as she belongs