Not So Merry Christmas

I can almost smell her breakfast casserole now
My body still sleeping, but my senses fully awake
The delightful scents coming from the kitchen are my alarm clock for today

She is already up, frolicking about our home, preparing for this glorious day ahead
Oh, Christmas. One of my mother's most favorite holidays

My mom was never one to plan ahead, but when it came to Christmas decorations, preparation started as soon as holiday items hit the shelves
She spent weeks transforming our home into a winter wonderland
Whimsical elves hanging from every nook and cranny, 4 foot tall Santa greeting you when you walked in the door, the Christmas Village consuming every ounce of space left on the kitchen bar

There was no such thing as "too extravagant" when it came to Christmas in her book

I loved how much time and effort she poured into every Christmas to always kept the spirit of the season alive
She continued to address our presents "From Santa", hide the pickle in the tree on the eve, and truly out-do herself with an abundance of food and surprises

In the years since her passing, I have boycotted my once favorite holiday
The wound of her absence growing more raw as the days before Christmas dwindle away

The thought of celebrating such a joyous holiday without her carries an overwhelming abundance of sadness and guilt

The last two years of Christmas, I have spent them surrounded by other's traditions, trying my best to fight the emerging waterfall of hysteria looming behind my eyes

My once "whole" family was broken and divided by the tragedy and grief
The holiday season ensued more pain than joy and the thought of doing it without the person who made it the most celebrated time of the year was almost more than we could bare

Three Christmases later, and this is the first year I have willingly uncovered some of the decorations she once used from their cardboard homes in the basement
I have placed them around our house in her honor
Though it sends a painful twinge to the root of my gut, like alcohol poured over my open wound, I know it would make her proud

The important parts of my family have mended themselves and this year, we will be celebrating together, just as I know my mom would have wanted

When my mother died, the joy I found in Christmas went right along with her.
Christmas has never and will never be the same without her and slowly, I am learning to accept that

There is joy in the love that surrounds me and I feel blessed to be surrounded by so much of it.
I am grateful for the traditions and memories created with my mother that I am able to carry with me always and share with my own family one day

Christmas was our favorite because it was hers, and though grief through the holidays is inevitable, we will find joy in the day knowing she isn't so far away

                                                                 . . . . . . . .

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

The Day That Wasn't Like Every Other

Eyelids closed, tear stained cheeks

Face burning with emotion, disbelief, and rage
My heart beating but my brain has shut down

I can't believe you're gone

Set free from the pain
Eternally healed from the invasive disease that destroyed you
I am both relieved and shocked
My mind not allowing myself to catch up with the reality that was unfolding before my eyes

June twentieth. Staring me down from the looming calendar tacked to the wall next to me
I remember three years ago just as it would have happened yesterday
You can't erase memories like that

June 20, 2013
On one of the rainiest summers I have in my memory, this day was the most beautiful of them all
Scorching heat with equal parts humidity, not a cloud in the sky
This day, it did not rain
Instead, the sun shined, flowers stretched their petals towards the beaming light
People, emerging from their Netflix binges, enjoyed a day outdoors

Our days started early and were filled with watching, waiting, and routine
Your Hospice nurse arrived right on time
She listened to your beating heart, vital signs showing no indication of the events that would unfold later that day
She gave you a good report. Considered you "stable",even,
and went on her way

Everyone that had been lingering for weeks, watching your every breath, standing over you like a hawk
On this particular day, all of those people left
With errands to be done, and people to be seen
A strange sense of stability was in the air.
We were told you wouldn't survive your first night spent in the hospital nearly 3 years prior, but here you were
Tough as nails, still holding on with all you had left
Why would today be any different than the rest?

A fresh college graduate with no "real" job, most of my days were spent with you
Tending to your every need alongside family members and friends
Your life was my life

With little time for anything else, I found my release in an afternoon's run
...sometimes two, depending on the day

Running from my anxiety, stress, and fears
I ran from the cancer taking over your body, taking over our lives
I ran from reality, as far as I could
Pumping my arms through the pain of the inevitable
A run cleansed my soul, renewing my strength for the day ahead
With sweat running down my face and legs shaking in exhaustion,
I could finally breathe

On this day, with the sun shining high, I yearned for a mid-day run
In the dead of the South's afternoon heat, I needed a few stifling moments to myself
Your condition became a roller coaster
Becoming more and more unpredictable in each passing day
Up and down, round and round
Thrusting us forward, then throwing us back
It sat heavy on our minds
We held our breath and released days later

My oldest sister was on watch for the day
We alternated shifts sitting in the recliner next to your make-shift hospital room in our home
Today was going to be like the one before
Unpredictable, oppressive
The only thing was, that day was not like any other
As I walked into your room to give you a quick kiss before my run,
Tennis shoes laced, hair pulled back tight
Everything quickly became far from any other day
The rise and fall of your pulsing chest was thrown off
A breath, followed a long pause, then another breath
Setting off an alarm in my brain, allowing reality to sink in for only a moment

It sent me whirling into a panic, pointing it out to my sister who had been sitting by her side
She jumped to her feet, seeing what I was seeing, she told me to call everyone back home
This was it

It was as though you had been planning it all this time
Waiting for the house to still, for the most beautiful day
Waiting for the perfect time to just let go

I wasn't ready, though I know you were

I get this question all the time and the answer is always no; her death amongst a lingering illness did not prepare me any more or less to an untimely or "unexpected" death
Because you are never ready to lose the ones you love, no matter how prevalent the end of their life may be
You are never prepared, never expecting
Never waiting for their time to be up
For the memories to stop, for their last breath to be breathed
No matter how young, how old, how sick, or how well
No amount of time or space could ever prepare you for that moment

And as I sit here three years later and reflect on the day that the earth stood still
The day the clocks stopped ticking,
The day that stopped us dead in our tracks, the day that changed our lives forever
I look back with only happy memories of you
I know we are both in a better place now

I am gracious to the earth for sending us a true angel. One that we were able to call "Mom"
One that undoubtedly made the world a better place
One that did not pay mind to race or religion,
Rich or poor, gay or straight
One that taught us everyone on this planet with a beating heart mattered
One that spread joy and kindness, despite the pain she may have felt
She left a mark on this world and all of the people that she came in contact with

Her time spent here was not enough, but no amount of time would have been
Like a firework, she radiated light and showered the earth with her outpouring spirit
Providing a brief moment of happiness and awe that ended all too soon

Three years without you and you are still never far from my mind
A prayer away; a tear when it becomes too much
Forever our mother, forever our angel

Today is not like every other, and tomorrow will not be either
Because the day you left changed ours forever
And though things will never be the same, I will always look forward to the day ahead
Believing and knowing you made it a little brighter, a whole lot better
Carrying you with me through each phase of my life
Carrying out the life you taught us to live

Today may be a day like every other for you, but for myself and for everyone who had the blessing of knowing her,
It will be a day we will never forget

Love you forever

Baby Steps

Have you ever experienced loss?

Maybe it was your first beloved goldfish

Or your last basketball game of the season

Maybe it was your grandmother, she was 95 after all

Loss is a part of living

We lose teeth, boyfriends

We lose games, homework, even our minds at times

Let’s be honest, no matter the loss, it downright sucks.

Most losses we never even see coming. You’re never ready to lose

At age 22, I was never ready to lose my mom. Not even close.

But then again, if I was 60 years old I would still be saying the same thing

Losing what you love hurts across the spectrum

Some impact your life more than others, but they hurt all the same, if even for a moment

How do you move forward after a loss?

Well the good news is, your teeth do grow back, so there’s that

And you will find a new boyfriend who you love more than the last

There will be plenty of games to win, so do not fret

Losing people is when it gets tricky;

Your life will be turned upside down, for a long time probably

Days will overflow and sometimes you may beg them to stop all together

You’ll lose your appetite while at the same time wanting to eat all the feelings you’ve acquired

You will fake laugh and eventually cry your eyes out to the brink of dehydration

But you WILL move forward

You will because those people you lost would want you to

And if that’s not a good enough reason, maybe it’s because you have a family that depends on you

Or just a dog, even

Maybe it’s your job

You have to move forward after loss because you just have to and that’s that

Losing hurts and it always will

But look down at your feet, and move them

Slowly at first

Eventually picking up the pace

Find something that pushes you into orbit again

You will be sad, yes,

But you are alive and life is meant to be lived while we have it

Through losses, through wins, life does begin again

Fight or Flight

It's crazy how the human senses work
One whiff of a perfume,
One taste of a treat,
The sound of a voice
Can send your brain sailing back to a precise moment in time
The images of your past, for a brief moment, flashing across your brain like a projector screen
It's like you could close your eyes and go back
Touch the person, relive that memory just one more time

The human body, made up of millions of cells and complex systems
All working together in perfect synchrony to keep your heart pumping, your brain functioning
The human body is constantly working in our favor, fighting to keep things in working order
A fever: your body's way of heating up to fight against infection
A shiver: an autonomic reaction created to help generate and preserve heat

Our bodies also protect us from grief and psychological pain
Though not caused by a burn or a sting, the same areas of the brain are activated to protect us from deep emotional pain
Traumatic memories are suppressed, extended periods of time are erased
Your body does what it has to do to get you through the toughest of times

I think back and attempt to recall the year after my mother's death, yet there are few memories I can retrieve
What did I do that year? Where did I go?
I was with people, I was going places that my brain will never admit
Disconnecting me from all of those around me, it stayed deep within the soul of the one I lost
My feet moved, my heart beat, but without me ever really knowing why

Our grief is real, it aches worse than any other physical pain ever experienced
But the sun still rises and the sun still falls
And our bodies are here to make sure we keep up with it

To say I haven't been happy since her passing would be a lie
Though at that time, I never thought I would be again
I've made great memories, smiled because I meant it
To be honest, some days I even forget it ever happened at all

But, today is a Tuesday, two and some odd years after the passing of my mother
and for no apparent memory or reason, my heart aches
Grief has crept in and resided deep within the core of my being
A flash of her smile, the pitch of her voice
It's like she just left this world a few days ago and my body is weighed down with her loss

I live in the constant yo-yo of grief
Riding its high's and rolling with the low's
I imagine this is how the rest of my life will be, and I am okay with that
The grief means she was there. That it did happen after all
That my pain in her death exists because she was so alive

A flash of blonde hair
The tune of a song
I'll keep her in my memories for as long as she belongs

Wishes Upon a Star

Meteors 

Chunks of planets, space debris

Soaring towards Earth's atmosphere at over 30,000 miles per hour

Dull rock, pieces of ice

Plummeting into the night's sky in a glorious blaze, illuminating the darkness with its hue

If only for the blink of an eye

The Ancient Greeks used to believe that meteors, or shooting stars, were messages sent down from heaven to the ones they loved

One could only be so lucky to witness such a celestial phenomenon

Though science has since disproved this theory, I'm still on their side

Each morning I start my day to a screaming alarm clock at 5:20 a.m.

Through heavy eyelids, I hit the snooze, begging it for just five more minutes

I get up, out the warm embrace of the covers that surround me, and make the groggy walk to the bathroom where I throw cool water on my face, brush my teeth, and put on the clothes set out from the night before

I lace up my tennis shoes, head down the stairs, out the door, and into the stillness of the early morning

Most of the world is still getting in their last hour or so of sleep before beginning their day 

The earth is still

It's that brief period of time when the night coincides with day 

The moon casts it's glow, but a sun will soon be in its place 

Alone with my thoughts, I pump my arms in synchrony with my legs 

Sucking in air, letting it go

I run, freeing myself of worry and heartache with each mile I reach

Running truly is my therapy, as they say 

The day my mother left this earth is a day I'll never forget

And on that day, after weeks upon weeks of nonstop rain, there was light 

Sun and light that beamed over everything

On that day, I got dressed, laced up my tennis shoes, preparing for a long run ahead

I walked to my mother's room to plant a gentle kiss on her cheek, one that she would never know I left 

I'll never forget that day

And if it wasn't for the run that I did not get to take, I would have never gotten the chance to kiss her goodbye 

Even now, each time that I step out of that door 

Tennis shoes laced, music blaring

I look up to the sky, searching for you

Billions upon billions of stars illuminate the darkness 

And each morning that the stars are in sight, one always catches my eye the most 

A star, that darts quickly across the sky

Or maybe it falls slowly towards the horizon 

Sometimes one, sometimes three

But each morning, when I get up, with you in my heart, and stars in the sky, I witness that "celestial phenomenon" dropping from above 

Maybe it's science, or maybe the Greeks were right after all

So keep sending hello's from heaven, my sweet mom, I'll be waiting for another star to fall 

Exhale

I'll never forget the time I took my first breath.

I'm sure it was similar to the one I took soon before letting out my first cries at birth 

You suck all the oxygen you can squeeze in your tiny lungs, raising your shoulders with all your might

And with the release of all the tension you could muster in your body, you let it it out

Breathing out all of the anger and frustrations of your newly beginning life in one fluid huff of air 

Out of your mouth and into the world

Declaring your life, declaring your existence to all

Just like the day I did when I was first born, 

I breathed my first breath standing in the stillness of Denali, Alaska              

                                                                              

Basking in the silence, standing amongst the most magnificent view

Crisp, cool air 

Fresher than your favorite t-shirt, straight from the dryer onto your skin

I sucked the air into my lungs, as if I never had before

And with the warm sun in my face, and a snow capped mountain in my sight, I let it go

A year's worth of anger and frustrations, released in a burst of warm air, straight from my lungs and into the sky

Since that day, I've craved the stillness

The feeling of being so small amongst towering mountains and dense trees

To wake up to birds chirping, animals scurrying

No cell phone service, no TV

Completely disconnected from the world around you, as if you have traveled back in time and it's just you

You and the clouds and the sky and the surroundings that encompass you with every step you take

It's healing to stop time

To separate yourself from the hustle and bustle

The people around you

It's healing to reflect on your life in the utter silence, breathe in the morning's air

And sift through your problems one footstep at a time, with no destination in mind 

I miss Alaska and all the places I have never been

The clearness of my mind, the chapped skin on my lips

I miss the sky-high mountains, my unforgettable point of view

But above all these things mom, I miss you. 

Rough Patches

My grandmother made quilts.

She sat and crocheted delicate squares of fabric piece by delicate piece

Sometimes they would take months, some would even take years

It was tedious, it was frustrating 

But she sat, as she quietly weaved in and out of the yarn created patches until her masterpiece was complete.

Each of her grandchildren received a blanket. She enjoyed making them, it helped time pass

Each flower-filled blanket, a unique and special part of her.

Since the passing of my mother, I lay in bed at night, with a cannon size hole in my chest

I stare into the darkness, wishing and praying her face will appear in my dreams just one last time

Though I do this every night and rarely dream of her, I did recently experience a very surreal dream that awoke me to a tear-stained pillowcase 

I spent the whole day preparing for her arrival. I made a huge banner that read "Welcome Home, Mom!!!" in vibrant colors of paint and one too many exclamation marks

She had been gone too long and I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around her neck in her warm embrace

She walked through the door and I ran into her arms, an ever flowing stream of words pouring from my smiling mouth

All of the places I had been and people I had seen

All of the moments I had been dying to tell her 

She smiled, nodding her head and listening with intent

I talked and talked until she finally stopped me mid-sentence.

"Baby, I can't wait to hear the rest of your stories but I am very tired and would like to go lay down in bed next to John, because I have really missed him" 

I accepted that response and gave her one more tight bear hug before watching her turn around and exit down the long hallway in front of her

Then I woke up.

Maybe it was coincidence

Maybe I thought enough about her all day that it only made sense she turned up in my dream

Or maybe she did come to me, maybe she knew how to get in

Maybe she knew it was exactly what I needed.

Everything about your life changes when you lose the person that held everything about your life together.

The center of our world came crashing down in one piece

Grief looks different on different people 

Normal isn't so normal anymore 

So we change, we adapt to what we now know

Our person, the person is gone and life somehow continues to push forward

Through our grief, through our anger 

Life carries on with or without us

As two years of her passing quickly approaches, anxiety is high and she remains heavy on my heart

Though the journey has been difficult, many changes are taking place 

Changes to be happier; rejuvenated with positive energy 

Changes in my surroundings, my job, everything I've grown accustomed to

Sometimes you have to make the decision to risk it all, trusting in a higher being 

Trusting that these rough patches will pass

That peace will be restored

That your journey to happiness is worth the risk of losing it all

You can spend your days planning your life-- the school you will go to, the man you will marry, the children you will have, the house they will grow up in

You can spend your days planning a life that will 100% not turn out the way you planned

Or, you can live the life that was created for you 

You can live, you can thrive, you can watch your life knit itself together piece by delicate piece,

Experience by breath-taking experience, 

Moment by unforgettable moment, 

until the patches are pieced together

Until the masterpiece is revealed.

It will be tedious, it will be frustrating

And at the end of the day, it will be absolutely beautiful

My mom died of cancer June 20, 2013 and though this happened to me,

This does not define me

I choose happiness, I choose adventure

I choose to make the most out of the life my mom would have wanted for me

I choose to work through the rough patches

I choose to truly live