Exhale

I'll never forget the time I took my first breath.

I'm sure it was similar to the one I took soon before letting out my first cries at birth 

You suck all the oxygen you can squeeze in your tiny lungs, raising your shoulders with all your might

And with the release of all the tension you could muster in your body, you let it it out

Breathing out all of the anger and frustrations of your newly beginning life in one fluid huff of air 

Out of your mouth and into the world

Declaring your life, declaring your existence to all

Just like the day I did when I was first born, 

I breathed my first breath standing in the stillness of Denali, Alaska              

                                                                              

Basking in the silence, standing amongst the most magnificent view

Crisp, cool air 

Fresher than your favorite t-shirt, straight from the dryer onto your skin

I sucked the air into my lungs, as if I never had before

And with the warm sun in my face, and a snow capped mountain in my sight, I let it go

A year's worth of anger and frustrations, released in a burst of warm air, straight from my lungs and into the sky

Since that day, I've craved the stillness

The feeling of being so small amongst towering mountains and dense trees

To wake up to birds chirping, animals scurrying

No cell phone service, no TV

Completely disconnected from the world around you, as if you have traveled back in time and it's just you

You and the clouds and the sky and the surroundings that encompass you with every step you take

It's healing to stop time

To separate yourself from the hustle and bustle

The people around you

It's healing to reflect on your life in the utter silence, breathe in the morning's air

And sift through your problems one footstep at a time, with no destination in mind 

I miss Alaska and all the places I have never been

The clearness of my mind, the chapped skin on my lips

I miss the sky-high mountains, my unforgettable point of view

But above all these things mom, I miss you. 

Rough Patches

My grandmother made quilts.

She sat and crocheted delicate squares of fabric piece by delicate piece

Sometimes they would take months, some would even take years

It was tedious, it was frustrating 

But she sat, as she quietly weaved in and out of the yarn created patches until her masterpiece was complete.

Each of her grandchildren received a blanket. She enjoyed making them, it helped time pass

Each flower-filled blanket, a unique and special part of her.

Since the passing of my mother, I lay in bed at night, with a cannon size hole in my chest

I stare into the darkness, wishing and praying her face will appear in my dreams just one last time

Though I do this every night and rarely dream of her, I did recently experience a very surreal dream that awoke me to a tear-stained pillowcase 

I spent the whole day preparing for her arrival. I made a huge banner that read "Welcome Home, Mom!!!" in vibrant colors of paint and one too many exclamation marks

She had been gone too long and I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around her neck in her warm embrace

She walked through the door and I ran into her arms, an ever flowing stream of words pouring from my smiling mouth

All of the places I had been and people I had seen

All of the moments I had been dying to tell her 

She smiled, nodding her head and listening with intent

I talked and talked until she finally stopped me mid-sentence.

"Baby, I can't wait to hear the rest of your stories but I am very tired and would like to go lay down in bed next to John, because I have really missed him" 

I accepted that response and gave her one more tight bear hug before watching her turn around and exit down the long hallway in front of her

Then I woke up.

Maybe it was coincidence

Maybe I thought enough about her all day that it only made sense she turned up in my dream

Or maybe she did come to me, maybe she knew how to get in

Maybe she knew it was exactly what I needed.

Everything about your life changes when you lose the person that held everything about your life together.

The center of our world came crashing down in one piece

Grief looks different on different people 

Normal isn't so normal anymore 

So we change, we adapt to what we now know

Our person, the person is gone and life somehow continues to push forward

Through our grief, through our anger 

Life carries on with or without us

As two years of her passing quickly approaches, anxiety is high and she remains heavy on my heart

Though the journey has been difficult, many changes are taking place 

Changes to be happier; rejuvenated with positive energy 

Changes in my surroundings, my job, everything I've grown accustomed to

Sometimes you have to make the decision to risk it all, trusting in a higher being 

Trusting that these rough patches will pass

That peace will be restored

That your journey to happiness is worth the risk of losing it all

You can spend your days planning your life-- the school you will go to, the man you will marry, the children you will have, the house they will grow up in

You can spend your days planning a life that will 100% not turn out the way you planned

Or, you can live the life that was created for you 

You can live, you can thrive, you can watch your life knit itself together piece by delicate piece,

Experience by breath-taking experience, 

Moment by unforgettable moment, 

until the patches are pieced together

Until the masterpiece is revealed.

It will be tedious, it will be frustrating

And at the end of the day, it will be absolutely beautiful

My mom died of cancer June 20, 2013 and though this happened to me,

This does not define me

I choose happiness, I choose adventure

I choose to make the most out of the life my mom would have wanted for me

I choose to work through the rough patches

I choose to truly live 

 

Mother's Day Blues

I imagine a large, dark oak table with beautiful, gleaming angels sitting all around in matching chairs

Their pure white, feathering wings emerging from the crevasses in their backs, glistening in the heaven's sun

They share stories and laughter

Each of them beaming and joyous as they pass around pictures of their family 

They are so proud, they are ever so present

They are our mothers.

As Mother's Day quickly approaches I am all too familiar with the growing anticipation and anxiety that accompanies a person who has lost the woman everyone is celebrating

To us, it is a day of tears and unresolved emotion as we are bombarded with the reminder of the loss we have endured 

On this day, remember the person that first loved you

The person that held you in their arms, that cooed you to sleep

Remember the person that sacrificed her sleep, her hair appointments, and her sanity so that you could be her very first priority 

Remember the person who allowed you to be yourself

Who supported your dreams of becoming Batman or a ballerina when you grew up 

Remember the person who kissed your boo boos and wiped your tears 

Who's hug relinquished all of your worries 

Remember the woman who showed you unlimited patience, taught you what it means to love, and carefully molded you into the incredible person you are today 

Whether you choose to admit it or not

Whoever you are, you are because of your mother.

We are not "motherless", as it is so commonly defined.

Your mother is surrounding you, fulfilling you

Shining through each pore of your skin like bursts of light, reflecting daily in your actions, in your mannerisms, and how you treat other people 

Our mothers shine through other people, people who were placed in our life to help guide us through our darkest days. The people who supplemented an ounce of the care, love, and security your mother provided to you

This Mother's Day, look up

Look all around you

Your mother is there, I promise.

Be present in your pain and allow the tears to flow

Embrace the day in front of you, count each blessing you have

Appreciate the people around you, for you know better than anyone that there aren't enough days in your lifetime to spend with the people you love 

Find your smile, knowing she put it there 

For those reading this that are fortunate enough to still have your mother, squeeze her tight.

Tell her all of the things you've been meaning to say 

Tell her you love her and appreciate all of the things you'll never know she did for you 

Learn her recipes, laugh at her corny jokes 

Ditch your friends and spend time with her 

I assure you, you will never regret it.

Take a deep breath and celebrate the moment

Happy Mother's Day to our mothers, our angels 

in heaven and on earth. 

I love you always, mom.

Best of Luck

You were always my biggest fan through the losses and the wins. 

I go back to being a child, snow globe in hand. It was Christmas morning and I could hardly wait to show my neighbor what magical gift Ol' Saint Nick brought me.

As I ran, barefoot through dewy morning grass, my small legs couldn't move fast enough to keep up with the excitement I felt radiating through my veins. 

Flashing my snaggle-toothed smile and sporting last night's pajamas, I ran.

I ran as fast as I could until...

Until it happened. I watched in slow motion as every bit of magical euphoria came crashing down right onto the cement driveway in the form of my brand new, Santa-given snow globe. 

In my excitement, my feet entangled and we all fell into a glitter-water puddle that was, for a brief moment, my most prized possession. 

The cuts and scrapes that covered my tiny palms and bony knee caps were the least of my worries.

Did my neighbor see me?

How mad was my mom going to be? 

How mad was SANTA going to be?? 

My faced flushed hot with tears as the disappointment I felt in myself quickly settled in.

I stared, through tear-clouded eyes, at the remains of my snow globe that lay dismembered across the drive. 

I gathered the survivors and I walked head hanging, lip out, in a defeated slump back to the steps of my front porch. 

I dreaded the look in my moms eyes that would indicate without words how disappointed she was in me.

How could I have been so irresponsible? 

Why was I so careless? 

How could I have failed at such a simple task?

As I approached the door, Santa figurine in hand, I didn't even make it through the foyer before the tears poured down my chubby cheeks collecting into small puddles on the worn hardwood floors. 

My mom rushed to my side, and the look in her eyes was anything but disappointment.

The look in her eyes was concern, it was compassion.

It was unchanging and unconditional love that beamed through her eyes like rays of warm sunshine onto my tear-stained skin.

Her tight embrace and encouraging words instantly took away my grief.

Though shattered and dismembered, the snow globe's life as a snow globe was not over due to this one small mishap.

My mother saw it as nothing but a small detour, this one failure did not determine its fate. 

She took my snow globe and she brought it back to life. 

I watched with great hope as she carefully glued the surviving figurines to a small, textured mason jar and filled it with water.

She added a pinch of glitter, tightly screwed on the lid, and gave it a whirl.

My eyes lit up in newly found excitement to see this once broken and defeated snow globe, revived and rejuvenated with the life and purpose it not-so-long-ago possessed. 

She was a miracle worker. My biggest fan and most profound words of encouragement. She never cared if I won or lost the game, she only cared that I committed and gave it my all while I was in it.

Twenty-something odd years have passed and I lay, staring at the ceiling, wondering what you would tell me now.

After spending nearly three hundred dollars of my hard earned cash on graduate school application fees, I have received two letters within the last two weeks stating the institution's rejection to assist me in my pursuit of fulfilling my dreams in becoming a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. 

"Best of luck" they conclude, after they have just crushed all your hopes and dreams through black printed ink. 

I hope you look down at me now and see me as the snow globe.

I am so broken and so defeated by the blows this universe has thrown me, but I am not done.

Mom, I hope you see me, all my successes and all of my failures, and I hope you still see me through unconditionally-loving eyes. 

I hope you see that my purpose can still be fulfilled. That I can revive the desires of my heart and reap the successes that will follow in my future career.

I hope that you are proud, I hope that you are always near

You are the light of my life, always have been, always will

I love you forever my beautiful angel,

Sage 

I don't want to grow up

Dear Mom,

I am missing you tonight

no more, nor less than I have a moment you've been gone.

I am at a crossroads in my life right now

A whole new phase that requires many decisions, prayers, and luck

"Put positive vibes out into the universe and the universe will give it back to you"

I know that's what you're still saying.

I've always been an old soul, but I am finally learning what it feels like to truly grow up

And that is the part that is hard, I think.

You handled every situation thrown at you with such poise and grace

I only wish you were still here to guide me through.

It must be warm where you are because I haven't seen many signs of you around me

I only hope you're napping on the most heavenly beach, absorbing the day like a flower in the sun.

I never expected I would grow up with out you,

It was never in the plans I created for my life.

Through your story and the journey our family continues to face, I only hope I can help others 

Grief is not a few steps to freedom

It has claws deeply imbedded in those you love

When you lose a person that was woven so deeply into you

That bathed you, raised you, and provided you with overflowing unconditional love that only a mother can give...

That requires time. It requires patience. 

It requires you to step back, swallow your pride, and seek help from other sources

Sources that fill you up & strengthen you.

I love replaying our memories and seeing that smile that radiated through your eyes

My head is filled only with the most fond moments spent with you

And when you occasionally visit me in my dreams, you are youthful and energetic

Still rocking your platinum blonde pixi cut and STILL shopping the day away.

Mom, thank you for teaching me to value my self-worth and never settle for less than I deserve

Thank you for insisting that I always remain classy and ALWAYS stay strong.

I owe everything I am and everything I will ever be, to you 

I love you always,

Sage 

Olive You

Dear Mom,

Though a year and some odd months have passed, the hole in my heart still aches in your absence. 

Not all days are sad days;

I have found joy in places and moments and people again.

I laugh when I feel joy, and I cry when I feel the pain.

Mom, I have learned that Grief cannot be broken down into stages, phases, or chapters in a book

Grief is ongoing, every day.

Grief is no monster that's out to sneak up and destroy you, grief lies heavy on us to allow us to heal.

Facing my grief over all this time has brought me closer to you

Life is busy, people forget

But I haven't and there is no probability that I ever will.

Mom, I have been to beautiful places (places you would never be because they were far too cold)

I have seen things bigger than myself.

As I stood in the presence of a mountain that towered North America at 20,237 feet, I thought of you

I thought of you and where you are right now.

As I stood looking at this mountain, in the silence of such a busy Earth, I felt your embrace.

I felt comfort in knowing that maybe you weren't so far away

I saw a movie this past weekend and found myself in tears 

I can't be sure if it was due to the plot or the ambiguity of his words, but he said something that brought my mind back to you.

"Love is the one thing that transcends time and space" 

In that moment, I was struck with emotion

No matter how mad I have ever been with you or how far away I have been 

Not life, not death

Nothing could change the love I have for you because love transcends all things.

Mom, do not be worried for me because I think I will make it along just fine.

Though our time together on this Earth ended all too soon, I find myself growing stronger because that is all you ever showed me.

Your quotes and lessons continue to resonate inside me and build me up every single day

You taught us to "live in the moment" and "enjoy every stage of our lives" 

I know you're never too far away, my angel

I love you always!

Sage 

Through My Eyes

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Feel the touch of a summer's sun on our skin as we are laughing until we can't breathe.

Carefree, running into your arms as blades of grass sneaked through the cracks of our bare toes.

I remember the very first time I looked at you and knew you were exactly what I wanted to be someday.

Classically beautiful with piercing green eyes and an undeniable sense of fashion. 

What you held on the inside was even more beautiful. 

Through my eyes, you were a saint.

A healer of all boo-boos.

A fixer of all broken things.

Through my eyes, there wasn't anything you couldn't do.

I was around the age of eight when the "c" word was first introduced into our household.

Cancer.

Every person's greatest fear crept its way into our happy home.

You gave me a book on what to expect, what cancer meant for us...for you.

I was terrified, but through my eyes you were strong.

Stronger than the pink Power Ranger.

Stronger than any superhero out there.

You were my mom and my eight year old mind knew cancer didn't hold a candle to the willpower you possessed inside that tiny, five foot, 6 inch frame.   

It wasn't easy, but you did it.

Kicked cancer to the curb.

The "c" word wouldn't have to be mentioned in our house ever again.

You did it all.

You made it to every single dance recital.

Every school play and PTA meeting.

You cooked a hot meal most every night and had four girls dressed and ready for school the next morning.

You never stopped being the "superhero" I knew you were.

You helped people you didn't even know.

I remember some nights having strangers spend the night at our house because they crossed your path and you knew they had no where else to go.

I noticed the countless times as I'd be hanging from our overflowing grocery cart in the checkout line, that you would pay for the person's groceries in front of us along with our own.

You carried people, you carried me.

We depended on you like a flower in the sun.

Through my eyes, you never missed a beat.
We grew up, and you grew with us.
Barefoot, dancing on cold kitchen tile, hand in hand as we swayed to the rhythm of your voice.
Little napkin notes still made their way into our lunch boxes.
You were still there, in the front row, cheering us on through every sporting event, first dance, and broken heart.
You prepared us for the trials we would encounter along the way and wiped away the tears when we felt the blow.
Friends came and went, but there you were.
Still beautiful despite the years and growing stronger by the day.

Cancer.
It has a real ugly way of destroying the people who matter the most.
The "c" word found its way back to you, hyped up and ready for a re-match.
Usually prepared for everything, no one, not even you, were prepared for this.
This time you were fragile.
This time you lost your hair.
This time there we didn't know how to save the person who always saved us.
You were exhausted, but not defeated.
You remained strong and I watched in admiration as you fought back with a pair of new heels on your feet and a smile across your face.
Still bold.
Still fearless.
Still my hero.

You became a grandmother.
She fell in love with you at first sight.
Motherly instincts in full bloom, you loved that baby as much as your own.
You rocked, you sang.
You read books from memory and accompanied her in daily naps.
She looked at you from under sleepy, long eyelashes in a way that was all too familiar.
She was hooked and her life was forever changed by your presence.

You fought with a fight driven deep within your tiny frame.
This fight challenged you, weakened you.
You were chemoed, radiated, poked, and prodded but you did not break.
You wanted junk food and fresh flowers.
You were tough as nails and stubborn as could be.
Others before yourself, in sickness and in health.
I can't be certain how you entered this world, but I know you left it as a hero.
I curl up and go back to tiny feet pressed to wet blades of grass.
Juicy Couture on your skin, lighting up the world with your bright green eyes.
Somewhere over the rainbow.
I feel sure that's where you are.

Through my eyes, you are everywhere.
You are the warm light that peaks through my window every morning.
You are the delicate, bright pink petal of a Knockout Rose in full bloom.
Through my eyes, you are a butterfly.
Your intricately detailed wings flap in slow motion, in an array of colors displayed in the sky.
You are my tears, you are my laughs.
You are my strength on my weakest days.
You are the whispers off of my lips as I close my eyes and pray.
Still my best friend, still my mother.
The little pushes to be better, life's unnoticed treasures, a brilliant sunset at the end of a long day.
This is how I see you now, through my eyes.