She sat and crocheted delicate squares of fabric piece by delicate piece
Sometimes they would take months, some would even take years
It was tedious, it was frustrating
But she sat, as she quietly weaved in and out of the yarn created patches until her masterpiece was complete.
Each of her grandchildren received a blanket. She enjoyed making them, it helped time pass
Each flower-filled blanket, a unique and special part of her.
Since the passing of my mother, I lay in bed at night, with a cannon size hole in my chest
I stare into the darkness, wishing and praying her face will appear in my dreams just one last time
Though I do this every night and rarely dream of her, I did recently experience a very surreal dream that awoke me to a tear-stained pillowcase
I spent the whole day preparing for her arrival. I made a huge banner that read "Welcome Home, Mom!!!" in vibrant colors of paint and one too many exclamation marks
She had been gone too long and I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around her neck in her warm embrace
She walked through the door and I ran into her arms, an ever flowing stream of words pouring from my smiling mouth
All of the places I had been and people I had seen
All of the moments I had been dying to tell her
She smiled, nodding her head and listening with intent
I talked and talked until she finally stopped me mid-sentence.
"Baby, I can't wait to hear the rest of your stories but I am very tired and would like to go lay down in bed next to John, because I have really missed him"
I accepted that response and gave her one more tight bear hug before watching her turn around and exit down the long hallway in front of her
Then I woke up.
Maybe it was coincidence
Maybe I thought enough about her all day that it only made sense she turned up in my dream
Or maybe she did come to me, maybe she knew how to get in
Maybe she knew it was exactly what I needed.
Everything about your life changes when you lose the person that held everything about your life together.
The center of our world came crashing down in one piece
Grief looks different on different people
Normal isn't so normal anymore
So we change, we adapt to what we now know
Our person, the person is gone and life somehow continues to push forward
Through our grief, through our anger
Life carries on with or without us
As two years of her passing quickly approaches, anxiety is high and she remains heavy on my heart
Though the journey has been difficult, many changes are taking place
Changes to be happier; rejuvenated with positive energy
Changes in my surroundings, my job, everything I've grown accustomed to
Sometimes you have to make the decision to risk it all, trusting in a higher being
Trusting that these rough patches will pass
That peace will be restored
That your journey to happiness is worth the risk of losing it all
You can spend your days planning your life-- the school you will go to, the man you will marry, the children you will have, the house they will grow up in
You can spend your days planning a life that will 100% not turn out the way you planned
Or, you can live the life that was created for you
You can live, you can thrive, you can watch your life knit itself together piece by delicate piece,
Experience by breath-taking experience,
Moment by unforgettable moment,
until the patches are pieced together
Until the masterpiece is revealed.
It will be tedious, it will be frustrating
And at the end of the day, it will be absolutely beautiful
My mom died of cancer June 20, 2013 and though this happened to me,
This does not define me
I choose happiness, I choose adventure
I choose to make the most out of the life my mom would have wanted for me
I choose to work through the rough patches
I choose to truly live
