Eyelids closed, tear stained cheeks
Face burning with emotion, disbelief, and rageMy heart beating but my brain has shut down
I can't believe you're gone
Set free from the pain
Eternally healed from the invasive disease that destroyed you
I am both relieved and shocked
My mind not allowing myself to catch up with the reality that was unfolding before my eyes
June twentieth. Staring me down from the looming calendar tacked to the wall next to me
I remember three years ago just as it would have happened yesterday
You can't erase memories like that
June 20, 2013
On one of the rainiest summers I have in my memory, this day was the most beautiful of them all
Scorching heat with equal parts humidity, not a cloud in the sky
This day, it did not rain
Instead, the sun shined, flowers stretched their petals towards the beaming light
People, emerging from their Netflix binges, enjoyed a day outdoors
Our days started early and were filled with watching, waiting, and routine
Your Hospice nurse arrived right on time
She listened to your beating heart, vital signs showing no indication of the events that would unfold later that day
She gave you a good report. Considered you "stable",even,
and went on her way
Everyone that had been lingering for weeks, watching your every breath, standing over you like a hawk
On this particular day, all of those people left
With errands to be done, and people to be seen
A strange sense of stability was in the air.
We were told you wouldn't survive your first night spent in the hospital nearly 3 years prior, but here you were
Tough as nails, still holding on with all you had left
Why would today be any different than the rest?
A fresh college graduate with no "real" job, most of my days were spent with you
Tending to your every need alongside family members and friends
Your life was my life
With little time for anything else, I found my release in an afternoon's run
...sometimes two, depending on the day
Running from my anxiety, stress, and fears
I ran from the cancer taking over your body, taking over our lives
I ran from reality, as far as I could
Pumping my arms through the pain of the inevitable
A run cleansed my soul, renewing my strength for the day ahead
With sweat running down my face and legs shaking in exhaustion,
I could finally breathe
On this day, with the sun shining high, I yearned for a mid-day run
In the dead of the South's afternoon heat, I needed a few stifling moments to myself
Your condition became a roller coaster
Becoming more and more unpredictable in each passing day
Up and down, round and round
Thrusting us forward, then throwing us back
It sat heavy on our minds
We held our breath and released days later
My oldest sister was on watch for the day
We alternated shifts sitting in the recliner next to your make-shift hospital room in our home
Today was going to be like the one before
Unpredictable, oppressive
The only thing was, that day was not like any other
As I walked into your room to give you a quick kiss before my run,
Tennis shoes laced, hair pulled back tight
Everything quickly became far from any other day
The rise and fall of your pulsing chest was thrown off
A breath, followed a long pause, then another breath
Setting off an alarm in my brain, allowing reality to sink in for only a moment
It sent me whirling into a panic, pointing it out to my sister who had been sitting by her side
She jumped to her feet, seeing what I was seeing, she told me to call everyone back home
This was it
It was as though you had been planning it all this time
Waiting for the house to still, for the most beautiful day
Waiting for the perfect time to just let go
I wasn't ready, though I know you were
I get this question all the time and the answer is always no; her death amongst a lingering illness did not prepare me any more or less to an untimely or "unexpected" death
Because you are never ready to lose the ones you love, no matter how prevalent the end of their life may be
You are never prepared, never expecting
Never waiting for their time to be up
For the memories to stop, for their last breath to be breathed
No matter how young, how old, how sick, or how well
No amount of time or space could ever prepare you for that moment
And as I sit here three years later and reflect on the day that the earth stood still
The day the clocks stopped ticking,
The day that stopped us dead in our tracks, the day that changed our lives forever
I look back with only happy memories of you
I know we are both in a better place now
I am gracious to the earth for sending us a true angel. One that we were able to call "Mom"
One that undoubtedly made the world a better place
One that did not pay mind to race or religion,
Rich or poor, gay or straight
One that taught us everyone on this planet with a beating heart mattered
One that spread joy and kindness, despite the pain she may have felt
She left a mark on this world and all of the people that she came in contact with
Her time spent here was not enough, but no amount of time would have been
Like a firework, she radiated light and showered the earth with her outpouring spirit
Providing a brief moment of happiness and awe that ended all too soon
Three years without you and you are still never far from my mind
A prayer away; a tear when it becomes too much
Forever our mother, forever our angel
Today is not like every other, and tomorrow will not be either
Because the day you left changed ours forever
And though things will never be the same, I will always look forward to the day ahead
Believing and knowing you made it a little brighter, a whole lot better
Carrying you with me through each phase of my life
Carrying out the life you taught us to live
Today may be a day like every other for you, but for myself and for everyone who had the blessing of knowing her,
It will be a day we will never forget
Love you forever
